Blueberries Diary 03/03.

I had a nervious breakdown. Actually i am very instable. I guess you guessed – i have no progress.

I am on my last week (4th) of low FODMAP diet. This eliminated a huge bunch of stuff from my diet – small things like honey to huge groups like gluten. I also dont do anything what the kinesiologist suggested – like no dairy at all, no carrot, lentils, pear, oranges and MSG. I did get back to my real coffees – but i only drink one or two in a day.

So this gave me no progression. I was hoping -in my last post- that the trigger is the dairy. Well it might be one, but not the original reason as i am still bloated, i still have huge pressure in my belly, on my digestion plus i have tummy ache sometimes, usually after eating in half hour time.

I ve got a nervious breakdown in one evening. Was terrible. I cant work. I cant write my book. And the worst… i dont really want to eat. Because eating cause me pain. I m pretty good on the rest of the day – but anything involving food… im very uncomfortable now. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS???? Meeeeeeeeee? My brain is full of ideas. Literally – like a bin – ideas and plans and dishes flowing out cause they dont fit in anymore. Normal food, amazing homemade pastas and icecreams and foraged green things and pretty vegan desserts etc etc. ME. ITS ME. IM LOOSING MYSELF. I cant do what i love. What makes me ME. Is this ever gonna end? What if i cant cook anymore? This makes me possible more stressed and more sick.

These are the questions my mind is full of – and this doesnt help to love and trust in my body more. Anymore. I have doubts. Every single painful meal taken as a personal failure. That another diet failed and i am failing again and again. I should love myself more than ever and be very patient and careful and kind and pamper myself. I HAVE TO GAIN WEIGHT. But let me ask you… how can i do that if the list of food i can eat is so limited that hardly contains anything ‘bulky’? And also… how can i eat more and more if it cause pain and makes me feeling sick not hungry? I CANT GAIN WEIGHT. (so i dont have my period back)

OK after all of this crying… the things i do now.

I saw a private doctor who is doing checkup on my ‘missing period’ situation. Costs hell a lot – but my health is everything really. – and with a normal GP this will take forever. At least more than 18weeks for sure. So for now we have a 50-50% guess of Polysystic Ovaries Syndrome. Doctor scanned me and one of my ovary shows the signs (cysts) but the other one looks normal. So we will do a blood test to know this 100%. This should be sorted out (for a fortune of course).

Also i cleared my head – and traveled back in time. It seems such a long time ago when i felt so good and energized in my skin – it was around May when i first started the very first elimination diet. It was awesome. I felt changing after the first week, and i was never better in the 3rd and 4th week. Was full of energy, no bloated belly (abs actually), doing yoga every day, cycling everywhere, doing the heavy mixing at the bakery without problem. IT WAS WONDERFUL. So this reminds me to the fact that im not crazy and its not about getting older. There is a trigger somewhere i already found it – just lost again. So now im trying to re-create the same situation i did back then – i eliminated the gluten and dairy and yeast. Now im totally off from sugar as well. TOTALLY. Like i did before. No booze for a while. I know lots of things changed (maybe changed inside of me) since, like killing a parasite, stool test, crazy oregano treatment etc etc… but im whispering my hope that maybe i can ‘find it’ again following the same path i did before.

I also would like ‘to be sure’ about my food intolerances. I was reading and reading about – and u wont believe but actually the elimination diet is the best way overall to see any food related sensitivity. There are tests (blood or skin) to help you to guide a bit but they are not 100% at all. I did the elimination diet of course but my re-entering period failed and apart from a small list of food (assuming my body doesnt like) i have no ‘real deal’. So just for curiosity – and also beacuse i dont know if my gluten and dairy intolerances are real or just imaginary – i will do a blood test. Only thing i can loose is a couple of hundreds – and i might will know something new about me.

JUST TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND KEEP GOING.

Open up your mouth…!

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